So you religiously read Vogue, Elle, Leacock’s, and every other literary powerhouse in the fashion world.
Your sartorial choices are more than adequate, but something’s missing. As you walk down the street, there’s a profound sense of misplacement and loss. Something’s terribly wrong: no one is paying you any attention.
Because let’s be honest, what’s the point of dressing well if no one is going to notice you? Yeah yeah, we know you “dress for personal fulfillment” and you’re “not trying to impress anybody,” but give it a rest. When you walk down the street, you want it to be your personal runway.
If you’re going to talk the talk, you’ve got to walk the walk. Assuming you can walk, and haven’t been clawing yourself along the floor with your hands for the past two decades, you should have a basic understanding of walking. Left foot forward, then right, then left again. So what’s separating you from supermodel levels of pedestrianism? Here are some tips on how to nail that perfect supermodel walk, so heads will finally swivel as you walk by.
It was probably cool at some point to have a slouched spine, sagged shoulders and always be leaning on something. That point was high school, snap out of it.
Your spine should be straight, shoulders back and pelvis slightly forward. Fit is essential to fashion, and a good posture infinitely highlights the tailoring. Pushed back shoulders elongate the neck for women, a straight back for men emphasizes broad shoulders, etc.
Your mother would be proud.
This is what your face should look like all the time now.
If you look like a supermodel, good job. This article is mostly useless; people will always be looking at you if you’re hot. For the rest of us uggos, we need to work on that ZoolanderMagnum look.
Try and make it look like you’ve just been enlightened. You want to look serene, happy, but also detached. Buddha with a hint of bitchface, to channel that “look at, appreciate, but ew don’t talk to me,” effect. You’ve reached a higher stage of fashion consciousness, after all. Look at some supermodels for inspiration.
Yeah, the world is your catwalk. Everywhere you go, you should be strutting like the king or queen peacock you are, ruling over all your little subject peacocks.
Walk with your feet straight, your toes pointed in the direction you’re going. Consider walking in a straight line, like you’re on a tightrope. This gives you that characteristic supermodel sway. Swing your hips a little and work that thang.
This does not mean stomping your feet down while you walk, like a child throwing a tantrum, so people look at you.
The most important lesson in the art of walking is confidence. Be happy. It’s what separates you from everyone else. Imagine “Fuck Tha Police” is your life’s soundtrack and you’re good to go.
Take these tips in moderation. Alter how you walk now, but never completely change it. How you walk should be like your fashion choices: there are some rules and tips, but ultimately it is personal and individualized.
In the end, have fun with it and don’t take yourself too seriously. Do what makes you feel comfortable. Don’t be that guy walking around looking like he has arthritis, his spine locked in a perfectly straight line, face scrunched in concentration desperately trying to reach nirvana, crawling like a newborn foal.
Good luck, and remember: left foot forward, then right, then left again.