Down with Movember

Movember is a racist, misogynistic, ageist, geneist and militantly atheist institution that propagates a despicable supremacist ideology.
For the few of you who have yet to be contaminated by this vitriolic propaganda, Movember is an annual event that takes place every November, where men grow moustaches to raise awareness for prostate cancer. Movember fanatics, or “mo bros” as they call themselves, believe their moustaches make them superior to those without moustaches. They have created a month-long event where they can spout their hate speech, while the general population are forced to tolerate–and even support–their unabashed bigotry. Like any revolutionary/terrorist group, Movember has a manifesto:

  1. Once registered at each mo bro must begin the 1st of Movember with a clean shaven face.
  2. For the entire month of November each mo bro must grow and groom a moustache.
  3. There is to be no joining of the mo to [one’s] sideburns. (That’s considered a beard.)
  4. There is to be no joining of the handlebars to [one’s] chin. (That’s considered a goatee.)
  5. Each mo bro must conduct himself like a true country gentleman.

The methods and aims of Movember are inherently discriminatory. By promoting moustaches, they oppress those who are facially disadvantaged or different. This is bigotry on multiple levels. If you are not one of the lucky few Ubermensch, you are excluded.
Facial hairiness is determined by genetics. You might have heard the myth that Native Americans are unable to grow facial hair. If you were not born with the Moustache gene, you are punished. Some people are able to grow facial hair faster than others. Should this be the basis of worth?
Movember is also misogynistic. Women have a harder time growing facial hair. Even those who succeed in this patriarchal slave system are mocked; bearded women are seen as freaks. Indeed, the very name “mo bro” is sexist. Why not something gender-neutral, like “Mo sapiens”? It’s a small step from calling yourself a “mo bro” to calling everyone else “van dykes”.
Did you know that some religions encourage growing beards? Certain adherents to Sikhism, Sunni Islam and the Amish encourage facial hair. But the first rule of Movember is that you must shave! Movember is a militantly atheist organization who, if they had their way, would forcefully shave every man, woman and child on the 1st of Movember.
And what about ageism? Children can’t grow moustaches. Babies are being ridiculed. “Look how cute that baby is!” people say. But nobody ever compliments the young on their facial hair.
Finally, Movember is also facialist (not to be confused with fascist, although Movember is also fascist), a word I have just created to describe people who discriminate based on types of facial hair. Movember clearly states: “No joining of the handlebars to one’s chins (That’s considered a goatee)” This practice discriminates against the evil twin population. By excluding goatees and beards, Movember is advocating segregation and genocide.
Now I personally have suffered the injustices of Movember.  No matter how hard I try, I am unable to grow facial hair. Every month is Movember; I don’t need to shave, ever. A moustache is basically the penis of your face. Your masculinity and virility is being judged on the size of it. I can’t even say I’m a grower, not a shower, because at the end of the month, it will still not have grown a bit.

Every day I dread waking up to a society based on a moustache feudal system. I have self-diagnosed myself with depression and body dysmorphia. Just looking at my reflection pains me. Sometimes I take a sharpie and draw a moustache on the mirror, so that in the alternate mirror universe, at least my reflection will know for a second the brief joy of being accepted.

And I’m not alone. When was the last time you met a Guinean Bissaun with a moustache? What about an Andorran, or a Liechtensteiner with a moustache? I applaud my own bravery as a social dissident for speaking out against the totalitarian Movember regime.
It might be difficult for you to relate in your world of privilege, so let me paint you a picture.
Imagine a little girl named Mary. She is a normal 12 year-old, who enjoys gender-neutral activities. In many ways, she is just like everybody else, except she has a disadvantage. Mary, being a girl, has a harder time growing facial hair than the boys. Mary, also being young, is actually double disabled facially.
Also, Mary is Native American. Now poor Mary Sitting Horse and her entire family are beardless. As Movember 1st approaches, her family is ostracized. Also, being a devout Sikh, Mary Sitting Horse Kaur chooses not to cut her hair, which means she cannot even enter Movember.
She goes to school, and all the other fully-bearded 12 year old boys make fun of her.
Also, she has alopecia.
Somewhere, there is a Mary Sitting Horse Kaur. There is a John Crazy Bull Singh. These are real people who are being affected by Movember. What a cruel world we live in.
Down with Movember, and down with social injustice.

One reply on “Down with Movember”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *